


The Memory of the Darkness

by radiateordream



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Marauders - Fandom, The Marauders - Harry Potter
Genre: Christmas Party, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 18:09:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17166797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radiateordream/pseuds/radiateordream
Summary: The holidays have never been easy for Sirius. Even now, when he's far away from Grimmauld Place and safe with the Potters, he still faces challenges. Luckily, James and Remus know how to help him through it.





	The Memory of the Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> I know the holidays can be hard for some people, myself included, and this is something I wrote about that.  
> Also Sirius's storyline just really means a lot to me, even though it isn't mentioned a whole lot in the books, so I thought I'd expand on how I saw it.

The holidays had never been easy for Sirius. Every year, in Grimmauld Place, Christmas was filled with his parents yelling and fighting and constant jabs about how he wasn’t good enough. The “family” dinners where all of the aunts and uncles and cousins were invited were the worst. He was forced to wear his green robes because no matter how many years had passed, his parents still refused to believe he had been sorted anywhere but Slytherin. 

During dinner, picking on Sirius was their favorite conversation topic, and if he ever snapped back or did anything at all except for sit back and take the insults, he would be punished for it when his extended family left.

He was never able to sit back and take the insults…

Christmas reminded him of his parents constantly comparing him to Regulus and asking him, “Why can’t you just be like him?” It reminded him of Regulus avoiding his eye contact and not speaking a word to him, even though they used to be so close. It reminded him that his parents had finally succeeded in completely brainwashing Regulus, who had been his only friend growing up in that terrible house, even if he was only his friend when his parents were gone or asleep and wouldn’t see him talking to Sirius. Sirius was always okay with that, though. He didn’t want them to know they had been close, because he didn’t want to risk them hurting Regulus like they hurt him. 

That was what he was most afraid of when he left that house for good the summer before his sixth year at Hogwarts. It was mid-July when it happened - nearly the end of summer. Sirius was in his bedroom at Grimmauld Place, like usual, trying to spend as much time away from his parents as possible. His viewpoint was that the more time he spent away from his parents, the less he talked to them and risked saying something they didn’t approve of, which meant the less he got punished. (Their punishments were relatively manageable. They usually just put him in a body bind curse until they thought he had learned his lesson (he never did) or threw a wordless curse that felt like a punch and knocked the air out of him. He could handle the punishments, but if he could avoid them, he would.)

He was in his room when he heard Walburga’s shrill voice from downstairs calling his name. “What?” He had yelled down loudly, knowing full well that she hated when he did this. “Get down here right now!” Sirius rolled his eyes as he slid out of bed, wondering what on earth he could have done this time. He thought he had been behaving pretty well recently.  
He made his way downstairs, through the dark hallway, and with every step, he started to feel more and more uneasy. He found her in the kitchen, sitting cross-legged at the head of the table with her hands folded in front of her and her eyebrows raised. He tried not to shiver as her cold black eyes bore into his silver ones. “Yes, Walburga?” He asked, trying to sound as innocent as possible. They didn’t let him call them mother and father anymore. He didn’t really mind. “Sit down,” She said coolly. “No thank you, I’m good standing,” Sirius had said, trying his best to keep his head high and his voice even. Her eyes narrowed, but she replied, “Very well. We have some news for you.” 

It was only then that Sirius noticed his father, Orion, was in the room too, leaning against the counter behind Walburga. Sirius thought jealously of his brother, who was probably safe and sound in his room. “Go on,” Sirius said. “We have arranged a marriage for you,” came Orion’s deep voice. Sirius felt his entire body freeze, ice-cold blood running through his veins. He thought for a minute he had fainted as his vision turned completely black, but he could still hear his heart beating loudly in his ears. He didn’t know how much longer it was before he responded with a choked, “What?!” He knew he had lost all of his composure, and therefore they had won, but he couldn’t bring himself to care about that at that moment. He felt bile rise up in his throat as he noticed Walburga was smirking evilly. She loved seeing him upset.

“That’s right,” She said, “You should be thankful for us, Sirius.” 

He thought of Remus. They had just started dating two months before fifth year ended, but Sirius liked him so much, and had for years. He thought about how hurt Remus would be if he found out. He knew for certain that he could not go through with the arranged marriage. When it was clear he was not going to respond, his father added, “You will be married to your cousin, Bellatrix, within the year.”

It was so outlandish, Sirius let out a laugh. “I will not,” He said. He felt sick. He kept seeing Remus’s face in his mind. “How dare you talk to your father like that!” Walburga all but screamed at him. “Oh, so now you call him ‘my father’?” Sirius yelled right back. Walburga slammed her hands on the table and stood up quickly, alarming Sirius and causing him to stumble a few steps back out of fear. “It is not your choice. You are marrying Bellatrix and that is final,” She said in a calm, deep voice that was even more terrifying than her screaming. “No,” Sirius said. He was so angry at this point, he was seeing red. He didn’t care what he said or how he acted at this point. He was only 16. He was not getting married, nonetheless to his cousin. Not to mention, he was gay. He laughed bitterly at the idea of what his parents would do if they found out. Before he could convince himself otherwise, the words were out of his mouth. 

“No, I’m not because I’m gay and I have a boyfriend.”

He immediately regretted it. A sharp feeling of fear stabbed at his insides. A fear like he had never felt before. He heard Walburga scream and Orion whip out his wand. Somehow, even though they had never used the curse on him before, he knew what was coming. He closed his eyes as his father yelled the curse. “Crucio!”

He doesn’t really remember much after that. He knows he passed out from the pain and when he woke up he was on the hardwood floor of his kitchen surrounded by all of his stuff packed into one trunk. Walburga and Orion were standing above him, looking down at him with a rage and hatred Sirius had never seen before, not even directed at him. Regulus was there too, now. He still wasn’t looking at Sirius, but his features were drawn in an emotion Sirius had not seen on his face in so long - worry. 

His head was pounding and there were dots all over his vision. “Get out,” were the first words he heard. He wasn’t sure if they were spoken by Walburga or Orion or both. “You are no son of ours. You are no Black. You are not welcome in this house or family ever again. GET OUT!” 

Sirius moved to get up but the moment he moved, a pain so sharp coursed through his entire body and he gasped, falling back on the ground. “Get out right now or I swear to God, I’ll kill you,” Orion said. Sirius didn’t doubt it. Then, something happened. Something that made Sirius’s stomach flip. “He’s trying,” came Regulus’s voice from behind them, soft, but loud enough to where everyone heard. It was clear that Walburga and Orion didn’t know what to say. Regulus had never stepped a toe out of line to their knowledge. Walburga just sniffed and said, “Very well. Sirius, your name has been burned off the tapestry. Be out of here in ten minutes.” Walburga and Orion walked away and disappeared down the hallway. 

Sirius tried to get up again, but couldn’t. Then he felt a hand in his and he was hoisted off the ground and onto his feet. His feet couldn’t hold him up though, and he swayed until an arm was put around him to keep him steady. He thought he must be dreaming. Regulus hadn’t so much as acknowledged his existence in years, but now here he was, with his arm around him.

Regulus walked Sirius over to the fireplace, then left. A few seconds later, he returned with his trunk. “I’m guessing you’re going to the Potters?” Regulus had asked. Sirius was leaning against the fireplace, pain still coursing through his body, but he could only think about how Regulus was still not looking at him. “Yes,” Sirius answered through gritted teeth. Regulus bent down and got a handful of floo powder. “Here,” He said, putting it in Sirius’s hand. “Thanks,” Sirius replied, slowly making his way to the fireplace. He eventually was able to get himself in, and Regulus shoved his trunk in beside him. Sirius was just about to go. He was just about to leave this house, his parents, his brother forever when he felt a hand grip his wrist and a quiet voice say, “Wait.” Sirius looked at and nearly jumped when his eyes met Regulus’s. They were silver, just like his. Nothing like his Walburga and Orion’s cold, dark ones. “I’m sorry.”

Sirius looked at him for a few seconds, processing what had just happened, trying to fit years of a lost relationship into five seconds. He smiled at him. He was sure it looked more like a wince, but he knew Regulus understood because he let go of his wrist and stepped back. The place where his hand had been burned, but the burn wasn’t like the pain still coursing through his body. It was a good burn. “Goodbye. I’ll see you around school,” Sirius said, trying to make this seem less hard. Regulus nodded and turned away, but Sirius hesitated. Regulus seemed to know exactly why, because he turned around and said, “They’re not going to hurt me, Sirius. You know they won’t.” Sirius nodded as he threw the floo powder to the floor of the fireplace, and as it lit up in green flames, called out, ‘Potter Manor!”

-

Obviously, the Potters had accepted them into his family like he was a second son. The moment he showed up in their living room, Mrs. Potter had whipped up many different pain potions and Mr. Potter had set up the guest room for him, calling it “Sirius’s room” now. Him and James had always called themselves brothers, but this brought on a whole new meaning to that.  
Even though living with the Potters was the best thing that had ever happened to Sirius, he still wasn’t anywhere near okay. The years of pain and hurtful words and hate thrown at him were still engraved into his mind and into his way of being. The truth of it was, he didn’t know how to be loved by mother and father figures. Because of this, having Mr. and Mrs. Potter, two people who cared so deeply about him, was overwhelming to say the least, but he was more than grateful for it. 

He still had nightmares most nights, too, but he always had. It wasn’t anything new. Most of all, though, he missed Regulus. He knew it was dumb, but he couldn’t help it. He missed knowing he was there, even if he hadn’t shown any love or care towards him for years. 

It was all worth it, though, because now he was no longer afraid to be who he was. Mr. and Mrs. Potter had known since before he moved in that he was gay because James, bless his heart, told them absolutely everything. They were nothing but supportive. He was no longer afraid to wear what he wanted, and show emotion. He no longer had to worry about every single thing he said.  
He also learned a little bit more about how to be loved every night when Mr. and Mrs. Potter came into his room to hug him and say goodnight. 

All of these things, however, did not make the holidays any easier for Sirius. He and James had gone home for the holidays during their sixth year of Hogwarts, and Sirius really thought they would be a little easier this year, because it was the first year he was not spending the holidays with his old family. He was proven wrong.

They were going really well at first. The Potters and Sirius had gone Christmas shopping in Diagon Alley and had split up to get each other’s Christmas presents. Sirius had felt guilty that Mr. and Mrs. Potter had to give him money for him to be able to buy everyone presents, but they assured him it was no big deal. After that, they had returned home and wrapped their gifts, placing them under the tree. James, of course, had found the ones that had his name on them in seconds and was trying to figure out what they were. Sirius laughed as Mrs. Potter had yelled at him and playfully hit him upside the head. That night, they had all squeezed themselves on the couch in the Potter’s living room with their mugs of hot chocolate in their hands and watched muggle Christmas movies. (Mr. Potter was very amazed at all of the special effects in the muggle movies.) 

It had all been uphill, until Christmas day. 

Sirius woke up that morning to James excitedly jumping on his bed. “Sirius! Wake up! It’s Christmas!” Sirius tried to be mad, he really did, but it was hard when his best friend was staring at him with wild eyes, crooked glasses, and hair that was standing up every which way. The two boys made their way downstairs, where they found Mr. and Mrs. Potter already up, cooking breakfast. “Good morning!” Mr. Potter exclaimed as he was putting bacon onto a plate. “Happy Christmas!” Mrs. Potter said with a wide smile, giving both boys a hug and kiss on the head. 

They all ate breakfast together, and then went to open the presents. Sirius felt awkward, not really knowing what to expect. He gave James his present first and James let out a whoop and a “Thanks, mate!” Sirius had gotten him a Broom Kit for his beloved Nimbus 2000, something he needed especially now as he was deemed captain of Gryffindor’s quidditch team at the beginning of the school year. He then gave Mr. and Mrs. Potter their presents, trying to hide his shaking hands. He had gotten Mrs. Potter the Celestina Warbeck CD she had been wanting for awhile and Mr. Potter a framed photo of his favorite professional quidditch player, flying in and out of the picture. He was happy when they had both expressed their love for the gifts. 

Although Sirius knew that Mr. and Mrs. Potter had gotten him something for Christmas, he was still taken off guard when they handed him his gift. Sirius never got presents for Christmas at Grimmauld place, ever. He smiled gratefully, and opened the long box to reveal a Nimbus 2000. He stared at it wide-eyed. “I- this is too much,” He said after a while. “No, it’s not dear, you deserve it,” Mrs. Potter replied, putting a hand on his shoulder. He had been flying a very old team broom for years because Walburga and Orion had refused to get him one, especially since he was playing for the Gryffindor team. “Mate, this’ll really help out the team! You’re already an exceptional beater, but this’ll make you even better!” James exclaimed, happily. James was the seeker of the quidditch team, and he cared about it more than anyone Sirius knew. “Thank you,” Sirius breathed, still not quite believing it, “Thank you so much.” “Of course, dear,” Mrs. Potter said, her smile growing wider. 

Sirius thought the day couldn’t get any better. He had spent the next hour flying around outside on his new broom with James despite it being very cold, throwing a quaffle back and forth. When they were finally tired out, they made their way inside where Mr. and Mrs. Potter were preparing the house for the Potter family Christmas party that night. Sirius was nervous to meet the extended family, but he was trying not to think about it too much. When they got inside, James grabbed Sirius’s hand and started dragging him up the stairs. “Okay, so I may have one more surprise for you..” James said, leading him into his room and closing the door behind him. “So, I owled Remus a few days ago, and it took him awhile to convince his parents, but they said he could come to the party tonight!” He exclaimed. Sirius felt his heart jump. “Wait, really?” Sirius asked. Remus’s parents had never let him come over to James’s. They were very protective of him when he was home, and they had never talked about it, but they all knew it was because of his condition. “Yes! He can only stay for a few hours, especially cause the Full Moon is in a few days, but he’ll be here!” James was smiling the widest Sirius had ever seen. “Go ahead, tell me,” He said, “I’m the best brother ever.” 

Sirius laughed but said seriously, “You’re the best brother ever.” He gave James a hug as his heart exploded with appreciation for his best friend and brother.

-

Sirius and Remus had been dating for almost eight months now, but he still made Sirius nervous. After an hour of contemplation, Sirius finally chose a dark red sweater and black jeans. He took his hair out of the bun it had been in, letting it fall in dark waves to his shoulders. He looked in the mirror nervously, then checked the time. 6:30pm. Remus would be here in thirty minutes.

It didn’t help that Sirius already felt like he was going to throw up whenever he thought about how he would be meeting James’s extended family tonight too. It was all very overwhelming. It was that moment that James knocked on his bedroom door. Before Sirius could say, “Come in,” James was already through the door. He stopped short when he noticed Sirius’s face. “Hey, are you okay?” James asked, seriously. “Yeah, ‘m fine. It’s just all a bit overwhelming,” Sirius said honestly. “They’ll all love you, I promise.”

Sirius took a deep breath, and they made their way down the stairs.

James’s grandparents arrived first. They gave James a big hug and Sirius stood awkwardly to the side, not really knowing what to do, until they turned to him and, despite never having met him before, also enveloped him into a huge hug. The knot in Sirius’s stomach loosened just a little bit. He was a little relieved when he realized that Mr. and Mrs. Potter had probably made everyone coming aware of the situation before they came, so they wouldn’t be caught off guard and say something wrong.

Slowly, more and more people came. James’s aunts and uncles and cousins all trickled in, and they all treated Sirius the same. He couldn’t help but wish this had been his life. He couldn’t imagine how different he’d be if he had known this love his whole life. He couldn’t imagine having aunts and uncles and cousins who lifted you up instead of tore you down every chance they could get. He shook the thought off, and put a fake smile back on his face. The room was filled with happy people, talking and catching up, and he wasn’t going to let his thoughts ruin it.

A few minutes later, he heard a crack and heard James’s loud exclamation of, “Remus!” Sirius felt his heart skip a beat as he heard Remus’s smooth laugh and saw James throw himself into Remus’s arms. Now his smile was genuine as he took in Remus’s honey curls and soft golden eyes. “Hey, Sirius,” Remus said, now standing right in front of him. Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus and let his head fall to his chest, breathing in the familiar and safe scent of old parchment and chocolate. “How are you?” Remus said, leaning back to look into his eyes. Sirius could never lie to him, so he just shrugged, “I’m okay.” Remus nodded in understanding. Sirius had talked to him about his old family a lot over the years, because Remus was really good at just listening. The time they spent at Hogwarts between last summer, when Sirius was disowned, and this Christmas break, Sirius had expressed his concerns about meeting James’s extended family at Christmas and Remus had listened and told him it would be okay. So far, he was right.

The three boys walked over to the kitchen and made themselves plates. There was plenty of food as everyone had brought something. Sirius noticed how Remus piled his plate extra high - he did always get more hungry the few days before the Full Moon. They sat at the table, talking about how their breaks were so far, and about the next few months at Hogwarts. Sirius had been finally starting to feel comfortable, in the presence of two of his favorite people, when it happened. All the sudden, all of the background noise was all he could hear. There were so many people, all talking, and he couldn’t hear what any of them were saying. They were probably talking about him, about how he didn’t belong in the family, how he was always going to be a Black. He knew it was too good to be true. He could never escape the hurtful words that tore into him no matter how many times they were shot at him over the years. He knew it was ridiculous, that they were probably making small talk about the weather or something, but he couldn’t get the thought out of his mind. He felt his breath start to pick up. 

He stood up from the table abruptly, cutting James’s excitements about the upcoming quidditch season short. Two pairs of eyes looked up at him in concern. He tried to brush it off, but he wasn’t seeing straight and he couldn’t hear his own voice. “I’m - uh, bathroom.” He rushed off, and next thing he knew he was outside on the Potter’s back porch. It was dark and so cold, but he was finally alone, away from all the people and their voices. That’s when he really started to panic. He always had to ruin everything. They were having a perfectly good night, Remus was there for Gods sakes and he had to ruin it. Walburga and Orion were right, he really was good for nothing. He replayed the night in his mind and suddenly all the smiles James’s family had given him throughout the past couple of hours changed… now, when he saw them in his mind, they were smiles of sympathy. They felt sorry for him. They didn’t care about him, they didn’t know him, they just felt sorry for him.

His breaths were coming in short, quick gasps now and he clutched his aching chest, desperate for air. His head was spinning. He didn’t belong anywhere. No one truly loved him. He felt himself fall to his knees, the hard concrete cold through his jeans. He hadn’t even realized his eyes were closed. He just needed to breathe. Why couldn’t he just breathe. He thought he was going to die in that moment. He really did. Until, he felt a hand on his back and his eyes snapped open. They met soft, golden ones, then worried hazel ones. “Sirius,” He heard Remus’s voice, but it was different. It was like he was hearing it through a long tunnel. That just made him panic even more. He realized he was still clutching his chest so hard that his fingers wouldn’t uncurl when he tried. 

“Sirius, you need to breathe. Like me. Okay? Ready? On three,” Remus said, hand still on his arm, keeping him weighted, stopping his from floating away into nothingness. Remus took a deep breath in and held it. Sirius tried to do the same but couldn’t. He felt tears prick at his eyes. “Let’s try again,” Remus said, calmly. He always knew how to stay calm in situations like these. 

Eventually, Sirius was breathing close to normally again. He slowly uncurled the fingers from the hand on his chest, but when he went to uncurl the fingers on his other hands, he saw blood. His nails had broken the skin on his hand. Dark red blood was stained on the white concrete. “I’m sorry,” He said shakily, looking up at James. “Don’t worry about it,” James responded, looking at his brother with concern in his eyes. 

A few seconds later, James walked closer and joined Remus and Sirius, who were both sitting on the concrete. “What happened?” James asked after a moment of silence, the only sound being Sirius trying to catch his breath. Sirius looked down at his hands, ashamed. “I- I don’t know. I just… got overwhelmed, I guess? It was all… a lot. And I kept being reminded of my old family parties… And there are so many people here, I was afraid that they all hated me and… fuck. I just felt like… I feel like I don’t belong here, or back at my old house, or anywhere-” “Sirius, stop. You do belong. You belong here. Mom and Dad love you so much. And so do I. And Remus and Pete do too. You belong with us. Don’t ever think you don’t belong Sirius. You’re my brother, my best friend. I don’t know what I would do without you,” James said, his voice cracking on the last word. Sirius looked up alarmed to see tears in James’s eyes. He had never, in their five years of friendship, seen James cry. Remus took Sirius’s hand. 

Sirius felt a tear roll down his cheek, and he quickly wiped it away. “Thank you,” He said, simply. James said exactly what he needed to hear. He noticed guiltily that James and Remus were both shivering. “You guys can go back inside, I’m fine now, really, and it’s cold out here,” Sirius said, eyebrows drawn in concern. “Aren’t you coming?” James asked, standing up. “I think I might stay out here, just for a little bit. I’ll be back in soon, before everyone leaves.” James nodded with uncertainty, then turned to Remus. “I’m staying out here too.” James looked a little relieved after hearing this and made his way back inside.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said again, “This was not how this was supposed to go.” “Don’t apologize, Sirius. You did nothing wrong,” Remus said, stroking his thumb across the back of Sirius’s hand. Sirius ignored that and continued, “... and with the Full Moon so close, we should be worrying about you. It’s cold out here, Remus, you should go inside.” “I’ll be fine. Don’t try to disregard your own problems, Sirius. They are just as important.” Sirius looked down at their intertwined hands in response. He sighed and and said truthfully, “I don’t know what I would do without you, Remus.” Remus gave him an award-winning smile, his dimples making an appearance. “Right back at you.” He leaned in for a kiss, and suddenly everything didn’t seem so bad anymore. He was so lucky to have people in his life who loved him and cared for him and believed in him. After a few seconds, Sirius pulled back and rested his head on Remus’s shoulder. 

He knew they’d have to go back in soon and he’d have to put on a smile and say goodbye to all of the kind people who had welcomed him into their family tonight. That all didn’t seem so scary anymore with Remus by his side. He felt his lips curl up as he felt a warm feeling in his chest, despite the cold outside. He knew where he belonged. Right here.


End file.
